Unavailable? Bring it on!
Posted Mon, Sep 14, 2009
I've always had unwritten rules about who you should and shouldn't date.
Friends' exes are out, for example.
So is asking someone out when you know a girlfriend is already interested in him.
Hitting on a girlfriend's guy when they are already dating is definitely out.
In fact, in my books, hitting on any guy who's already attached or married even if you're not friends with his partner is a no-no. It's just bad karma.
But it seems karma is no match for biology.
Ninety percent of the single women in an Oklahoma State University study on 'mate poaching' were more interested in dating a man who was already in a relationship than a single man.
Past psychological studies have shown that some women may try to lure a man away from his current partner, a phenomenon known as 'mate poaching.' One 2004 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggested that as many as one in five long-term relationships began when one or both partners was already in a relationship with someone else.
But this new study, published in the current issue of the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology shows that most single women actually prefer men who are already in a committed relationship.
Men and women were matched with students based on a description of their ideal romantic partner. When researchers described the women's match as single, 59 percent of the single women in the study were interested in pursuing him. However, when they described the exact same man as being in a committed relationship, 90 percent of the women were interested. Neither the men nor the already attached women who participated showed this preference.
Dr. Melissa Burkley, an assistant professor of social psychology at Oklahoma State University and one of the researchers behind the study suggests that the reason behind this is that single women are more interested in pursuing unavailable men (now, there's some shocking news) possibly because they are more interested in a guy who's already shown he can commit by being in another relationship, indicating he'd be a reliable mating partner.
Of course, the study doesn't show that, if you pursue the committed man and he goes for it, he's also clearly capable of breaking that commitment and cheating.
Would you pursue someone you knew was already attached?
Thursday, 17 September 2009
Monday, 24 August 2009
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Sexsomnia
'Sexsomnia' made in Canada
Posted Tue, Jul 07, 2009
POST A COMMENT »
This week, Jan Luedecke the Toronto landscaper who was acquitted in 2005 for sexually assaulting a woman because he was sound asleep at the time of the assault, was scheduled to appear before a panel to determine if he should have any long-term restrictions on his freedom.
Instead the panel ordered Luedecke undergo a 'full and complete risk assessment' before making their decision.
'Sexsomnia,' like insulin, five-pin bowling and the term 'cougar,' is a Canadian discovery. I first heard about it at a sexuality conference in Guelph several years ago when Dr. Paul Fedoroff, a forensic psychiatrist in Ottawa presented research suggesting that stress, chronic sleeplessness, or alcohol or drug abuse may lead a person to engage in sexual behaviour while sound asleep.
The research, which Fedoroff completed with co-researchers Dr. Colin Shapiro and Dr. Nik Trajanovic of the University of Toronto first appeared in 1996 in a paper called 'Sexsomnia - A New Parasomnia?' that was published in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry in June 2003.
It was good timing for Luedecke as it was the wee hours of house party in July 2003 when a woman woke up on the couch to find Luedecke having sex with her. He was found not criminally responsible for the assault because he was asleep at the time He testified that he had been overworked, overstressed, sleep-deprived, taken magic mushrooms and knocked back a whole bunch of booze, pretty much in line with Fedoroff et al's definition of 'sexsomnia.'
As bizarre as this all sounds, Luedecke's case is not the first.
In December of 2005, a British man was cleared of three counts of rape because he suffered 'sexsomnia' and wasn't conscious during the act. In August of 2007, a British mechanic was cleared of a rape charge after the jury found him not responsible for his actions when he had sex with a 15-year-old girl while asleep. And it's not just a guy thing. In 2004, an Australian woman was reportedly leaving her house at night and having sex with strangers while sleepwalking.
Any type of sleepwalking is rare, occurring in about 3% of children and young adolescents, and 0.5% of adults. According to research, 4% of adults who suffer from the condition carry out sexual behavior.
Luedecke's assessment, to be carried out at Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto, will be completed by Aug. 28. Based on this, the panel can then decide whether or not he should be committed to hospital, or to place certain conditions on his release such as refraining from drug or alcohol use.
What do you think? Do you thing 'sexsomnia' is a legitimate defense against sexual assault?
Posted Tue, Jul 07, 2009
POST A COMMENT »
This week, Jan Luedecke the Toronto landscaper who was acquitted in 2005 for sexually assaulting a woman because he was sound asleep at the time of the assault, was scheduled to appear before a panel to determine if he should have any long-term restrictions on his freedom.
Instead the panel ordered Luedecke undergo a 'full and complete risk assessment' before making their decision.
'Sexsomnia,' like insulin, five-pin bowling and the term 'cougar,' is a Canadian discovery. I first heard about it at a sexuality conference in Guelph several years ago when Dr. Paul Fedoroff, a forensic psychiatrist in Ottawa presented research suggesting that stress, chronic sleeplessness, or alcohol or drug abuse may lead a person to engage in sexual behaviour while sound asleep.
The research, which Fedoroff completed with co-researchers Dr. Colin Shapiro and Dr. Nik Trajanovic of the University of Toronto first appeared in 1996 in a paper called 'Sexsomnia - A New Parasomnia?' that was published in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry in June 2003.
It was good timing for Luedecke as it was the wee hours of house party in July 2003 when a woman woke up on the couch to find Luedecke having sex with her. He was found not criminally responsible for the assault because he was asleep at the time He testified that he had been overworked, overstressed, sleep-deprived, taken magic mushrooms and knocked back a whole bunch of booze, pretty much in line with Fedoroff et al's definition of 'sexsomnia.'
As bizarre as this all sounds, Luedecke's case is not the first.
In December of 2005, a British man was cleared of three counts of rape because he suffered 'sexsomnia' and wasn't conscious during the act. In August of 2007, a British mechanic was cleared of a rape charge after the jury found him not responsible for his actions when he had sex with a 15-year-old girl while asleep. And it's not just a guy thing. In 2004, an Australian woman was reportedly leaving her house at night and having sex with strangers while sleepwalking.
Any type of sleepwalking is rare, occurring in about 3% of children and young adolescents, and 0.5% of adults. According to research, 4% of adults who suffer from the condition carry out sexual behavior.
Luedecke's assessment, to be carried out at Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto, will be completed by Aug. 28. Based on this, the panel can then decide whether or not he should be committed to hospital, or to place certain conditions on his release such as refraining from drug or alcohol use.
What do you think? Do you thing 'sexsomnia' is a legitimate defense against sexual assault?
Monday, 18 May 2009
Men on Flirting....
Men talk about flirting
Get the scoop on how guys feel about that certain spark
By Alicia Cox
Why are some people better at flirting than others? When it goes wrong, it can be awkward and sometimes offensive. But when there’s that spark of connection, flirting provides a lot of ego-boosting bang for your buck. There are common signs of flirting: raised eyebrows, nodding, smiling, eye contact, physical contact. It sounds simple, but sometimes it can get complicated. We talked to men of all ages to find out what they had to say about flirting. And we gathered a couple of cringe-worthy stories, too.
What makes you flirt with a woman?
Her eyes. If she looks at me in a certain way, I know she’s a flirt. Like she wants me to notice her. That’s not a bad thing, it’s a great thing.
– Joe, 29
Nothing makes me do it, it just happens naturally if I like her, as a friend or as romantic potential.
– Mo, 32
If I’m in a good mood and I get a good energy from a woman, then I’ll flirt with her. But I don’t think I’m a big flirt. I’ve had a few massive failures.
– Andy, 38
How do you flirt?
I touch her somewhere. I mean on the arm or hand or back! If I want to touch her, then I’m flirting with her.
– Marcus, 36
Try to make her laugh. If you can make a woman laugh, it’s a good starting place.
– Tony, 42
When she’s smiling a lot, but also looking away. That’s a good sign.
– Peter, 44
How can you tell when a woman is flirting with you?
You can just tell. It goes both ways, right? Women can tell when we’re flirting with them, so it’s the same for us. There’s a connection or a shared joke or you’re attracted to each other. It isn’t always about sex. Sometimes it’s about platonic chemistry.
– John, 52
When a woman looks you in the eye and smiles a lot – but that could also mean she’s just friendly. It can be confusing sometimes to know the difference. Just so women know, men think that too.
– Mo, 32
Do you think flirting crosses a line if you’re in a relationship?
Not if it’s not sexual. I flirt with everyone, not because I’m attracted to everyone, but it just comes naturally. I don’t even think it’s flirting, really. Just being friendly. Especially to beautiful women. But I do flirt with everyone, if I have a girlfriend or not.
– Peter, 44
No. If I think she’s flirting with me first (that doesn’t happen too often, I’ve been married for 30 years), and it seems innocent, then I’m sure I respond in kind. I’m married, not totally oblivious. My wife and I trust each other implicitly, however, and we know what we’re doing here.
– John, 52
What’s the worst flirting experience you’ve had? (The following stories are anonymous, rightly so)
I had a few too many pops at a wedding and told a hot bridesmaid who was rather shy that I was going to blow her mind. I just kept saying that over and over again. ‘I’m going to blow your mind!’ I was trying to impress her, or maybe I was trying to convince her that I would be a good guy to hang out with later. I liked her. Whatever I was doing, she was so embarrassed by it that she left the reception early. I did email her to apologize for being a drunk loser, but she didn’t write back.
In university, I had some classic flameouts. My buddies called me the Stingman instead of wingman because I chased women away. Luckily, I met an incredible woman who agreed to marry me! Once I tried to flirt with this girl I had a thing for in my [Geoffrey] Chaucer class by reading my passage with a perfect accent (we had to read aloud with an Olde English dialect every week). Imagine me reading my Chaucer proudly with my perfect accent and my really geeky clothes and, I admit it, I carried a briefcase. I stared at her the whole reading and I think she was totally creeped out by it. Needless to say, nothing happened between us.
Get the scoop on how guys feel about that certain spark
By Alicia Cox
Why are some people better at flirting than others? When it goes wrong, it can be awkward and sometimes offensive. But when there’s that spark of connection, flirting provides a lot of ego-boosting bang for your buck. There are common signs of flirting: raised eyebrows, nodding, smiling, eye contact, physical contact. It sounds simple, but sometimes it can get complicated. We talked to men of all ages to find out what they had to say about flirting. And we gathered a couple of cringe-worthy stories, too.
What makes you flirt with a woman?
Her eyes. If she looks at me in a certain way, I know she’s a flirt. Like she wants me to notice her. That’s not a bad thing, it’s a great thing.
– Joe, 29
Nothing makes me do it, it just happens naturally if I like her, as a friend or as romantic potential.
– Mo, 32
If I’m in a good mood and I get a good energy from a woman, then I’ll flirt with her. But I don’t think I’m a big flirt. I’ve had a few massive failures.
– Andy, 38
How do you flirt?
I touch her somewhere. I mean on the arm or hand or back! If I want to touch her, then I’m flirting with her.
– Marcus, 36
Try to make her laugh. If you can make a woman laugh, it’s a good starting place.
– Tony, 42
When she’s smiling a lot, but also looking away. That’s a good sign.
– Peter, 44
How can you tell when a woman is flirting with you?
You can just tell. It goes both ways, right? Women can tell when we’re flirting with them, so it’s the same for us. There’s a connection or a shared joke or you’re attracted to each other. It isn’t always about sex. Sometimes it’s about platonic chemistry.
– John, 52
When a woman looks you in the eye and smiles a lot – but that could also mean she’s just friendly. It can be confusing sometimes to know the difference. Just so women know, men think that too.
– Mo, 32
Do you think flirting crosses a line if you’re in a relationship?
Not if it’s not sexual. I flirt with everyone, not because I’m attracted to everyone, but it just comes naturally. I don’t even think it’s flirting, really. Just being friendly. Especially to beautiful women. But I do flirt with everyone, if I have a girlfriend or not.
– Peter, 44
No. If I think she’s flirting with me first (that doesn’t happen too often, I’ve been married for 30 years), and it seems innocent, then I’m sure I respond in kind. I’m married, not totally oblivious. My wife and I trust each other implicitly, however, and we know what we’re doing here.
– John, 52
What’s the worst flirting experience you’ve had? (The following stories are anonymous, rightly so)
I had a few too many pops at a wedding and told a hot bridesmaid who was rather shy that I was going to blow her mind. I just kept saying that over and over again. ‘I’m going to blow your mind!’ I was trying to impress her, or maybe I was trying to convince her that I would be a good guy to hang out with later. I liked her. Whatever I was doing, she was so embarrassed by it that she left the reception early. I did email her to apologize for being a drunk loser, but she didn’t write back.
In university, I had some classic flameouts. My buddies called me the Stingman instead of wingman because I chased women away. Luckily, I met an incredible woman who agreed to marry me! Once I tried to flirt with this girl I had a thing for in my [Geoffrey] Chaucer class by reading my passage with a perfect accent (we had to read aloud with an Olde English dialect every week). Imagine me reading my Chaucer proudly with my perfect accent and my really geeky clothes and, I admit it, I carried a briefcase. I stared at her the whole reading and I think she was totally creeped out by it. Needless to say, nothing happened between us.
Monday, 4 May 2009
How does your sex life compare?
1. Canadians prefer brunettes the most, then black hair, blondes and redheads.
2. The average sexual session, including foreplay, lasts between 10 to 30 minutes.
3. One in four women routinely fake an orgasm.
4. Fifty percent of women say their body image interferes with their sex life.
5. The majority of Canadians lost their virginity between the ages of 16-20, followed by 10-15.
6. One in four Canadian women admit that a previous lover other than their current one was the best they ever had.
7. Thirty-eight percent of women own a vibrator.
8. Fifty-nine percent of Canadians say they have sex weekly.
9. French women have more orgasms: 72 percent said they had an orgasm most or all of the time compared to 57 percent of English-speaking women.
10. Canadian men average 23 sex partners, 10 more than American men at 13 which is the global average.
2. The average sexual session, including foreplay, lasts between 10 to 30 minutes.
3. One in four women routinely fake an orgasm.
4. Fifty percent of women say their body image interferes with their sex life.
5. The majority of Canadians lost their virginity between the ages of 16-20, followed by 10-15.
6. One in four Canadian women admit that a previous lover other than their current one was the best they ever had.
7. Thirty-eight percent of women own a vibrator.
8. Fifty-nine percent of Canadians say they have sex weekly.
9. French women have more orgasms: 72 percent said they had an orgasm most or all of the time compared to 57 percent of English-speaking women.
10. Canadian men average 23 sex partners, 10 more than American men at 13 which is the global average.
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
Bad Boys versus Nice Boys
He's a reeeally nice guy, funny, considerate, a real sweetheart. I don't know what it is, but I'm just not turned on by him."
Sound familiar?
Why go for funny, sweet, considerate when we can go for indifferent, self-centred and manipulative? So much sexier.
Why do women love bad boys? Why is the sky blue? Some women say it's about the challenge and the excitement. Nice guys are too predictable. We want to love them, but the good girl in us wants to rebel. And since society doesn't like bad girls, we let bad boys bring out the rebel in us.
Most of us get over it.
But, given the number of guys I hear from who tell me they've spent one too many days in I-like-you-as-a-friend purgatory, some of us take longer than others. "Do I have to be a jerk to get women to sleep with me?" these guys ask me. I figure they deserve an answer. Especially being such nice guys and all.
But see, but this is the problem with a lot of nice guys. They're too nice. They're so worried about what we think, their own personalities disappear in the process.
I get a little uncomfortable with a guy who is willing to do anything for me, especially if it means constantly sacrificing his own needs.
We all like to be catered to, but there's got to be a line where we end and he starts. If we don't see that line, it's very hard to respect a guy and believe he likes himself enough for us to like him.
There are reasons some women like to date boys more than girls (and not all of them have to do with sex). Believe it or not, there are a few male qualities we women quite like. For one, we are quite fond (and possibly even a little jealous) of the strong sense of self so many boys are taught to develop. We just hate it when it gets out of hand and he becomes an egotistical, self-centered boob. Unfortunately, we sometimes get sucked in.
Being nice does not mean being a doormat. Being sensitive means being flexible, but it doesn't mean he has to be putty in our hands. It means being able to stand up for who he is without being a jerk about it. Why is that so hard?
Maybe because it's a lot easier to whine about how nice guys don't get laid.
Sound familiar?
Why go for funny, sweet, considerate when we can go for indifferent, self-centred and manipulative? So much sexier.
Why do women love bad boys? Why is the sky blue? Some women say it's about the challenge and the excitement. Nice guys are too predictable. We want to love them, but the good girl in us wants to rebel. And since society doesn't like bad girls, we let bad boys bring out the rebel in us.
Most of us get over it.
But, given the number of guys I hear from who tell me they've spent one too many days in I-like-you-as-a-friend purgatory, some of us take longer than others. "Do I have to be a jerk to get women to sleep with me?" these guys ask me. I figure they deserve an answer. Especially being such nice guys and all.
But see, but this is the problem with a lot of nice guys. They're too nice. They're so worried about what we think, their own personalities disappear in the process.
I get a little uncomfortable with a guy who is willing to do anything for me, especially if it means constantly sacrificing his own needs.
We all like to be catered to, but there's got to be a line where we end and he starts. If we don't see that line, it's very hard to respect a guy and believe he likes himself enough for us to like him.
There are reasons some women like to date boys more than girls (and not all of them have to do with sex). Believe it or not, there are a few male qualities we women quite like. For one, we are quite fond (and possibly even a little jealous) of the strong sense of self so many boys are taught to develop. We just hate it when it gets out of hand and he becomes an egotistical, self-centered boob. Unfortunately, we sometimes get sucked in.
Being nice does not mean being a doormat. Being sensitive means being flexible, but it doesn't mean he has to be putty in our hands. It means being able to stand up for who he is without being a jerk about it. Why is that so hard?
Maybe because it's a lot easier to whine about how nice guys don't get laid.
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